So. Today is when my asexual tendencies piss me off for about a month, twice a year.
It is when I realise that asexuality or nonsexuality is a real thing and isn't just me making excuses to men who fancy me that I don't reciprocate feelings for.
These biannual epiphany's usually coincide with my hormones going mental and for once if I had been born with a penis, I would be thinking with it.

Let me explain what I mean by 'nonsexual or asexual' it doesn't mean the naturalist's asexual term which means either sex being able to reproduce. I am using the term to label something that means to not find people of any gender, attractive; or to not be able to find gratification from acts upon and from others. (Cue schoolchild giggle. 'I think she means sex!!!'... *pats head* Yes Dear. I do)

So this term is pretty new for me and I only heard it in use in a dodgy hippy hair forum I regularly stalk and troll about a year back.
It seemed to be a perfect cure-all to describe how I was feeling at the time about my past relationships and how I felt guilty about every single one in the same way, and no this wasn't just the house wrecking relations I have had.
I felt guilty, because I hadn't found any of them sexually attractive, not one.
They were mostly people I really should have been just friends with but didn't have the guts to say no. I was obsessed with just getting it over and done with to see it if it could 'cure' me and I would be a completely normal girl who would have lots of boyfriends and could even enjoy one night stands - if I turned out to be a girl who liked them.
But no, I would end up after feigning that I enjoyed the companionship and going so far as to fabricate correspondents that I missed them and wanted to see them again. Which would get uncomfortable as soon as they saw my face, reading that my heart just wasn't in it.
It seems so self absorbed but I honestly think I have broken just far too many hearts that way and out of that I somehow feel used.

So what **DO** I feel?! Well, I do 'fancy' people, I have to say that. But it's never in the flesh, if I meet someone and we talk more - but not always in person, I will sometimes develop feelings for them and I will obsess for a while, until it gets to a point where I will see them again and then feel either repulsion or absolutely nothing, even if I get talking to them, I just can't link the persona and the person. And I always get it to a point where I feel obliged to just go with it and back to the whole 'but it might be different' spiel.

Reading back, I feel like I should be desperately depressed because of this. But I'm not. It just makes me realise that everyone has their foibles and how important friendships are to me, for years I have watched my friends develop relationships, seen how it made them grow into different people or come close to devouring them. I admit I feel bemused when people describe how amazing so or so is or how good sex is, but it's important to them and that's how the world goes round, who am I to reply "Meh?"?

Of course the danger of pigeon-holing myself into this term is that if I do ever find someone I do actually feel for, they will be confused by my actual feelings. But I think it's better to explain how I am, at this moment, rather than blatantly lie to someone.

I really am so bloody self obsessed.

EDIT: Jesus. That last.fm selection is bloody ironic.

I OWN:

Nyx (5ml)

Imps :-
The Raven -
Sleek, dark, and ominous. Violet and neroli mingled with iris, white sandalwood and dark musk.

London -
Venerable Victorian Tea Rose… twisted, blackened and emboldened with wickedness.

Coyote -
The warmth of doeskin, dry plains grasses and soft, dusty woods warmed by amber and a downy, gentle coat of deep musk.

Maenad -
Orgiastic mayhem in the extreme: sweet strawberry and orange blossom distorted by carnation, black poppy and hibiscus.

Czernobog -
A combination of three musks, with splashes of dark myrrh, vetiver and mullein.

Arkham -
A shadowy, unapproachable forest of maple, birch, dogwood, cypress and pine softened by a garland of New England wildflowers: bergamot, columbine, rue anemone, blue violet, creeping phlox, bloodroot, toadflax, and pixie moss.

Phantasm -
Green tea, lemon verbena, jasmine and neroli.

Dragon's Musk -
Dominant, passionate, devastating. Dragon’s blood and five deep musks.

Shanghai X2 -
The crisp, clean scent of green tea touched with lemon verbena and honeysuckle.

Great Sword of War - ***
Mandarin, tonka, saffron, black tea, cocoa, tobacco leaf, sanguine red musk and five classical herbs of conflict.

The Unicorn -
A misty, almost luminous perfume: wispy linden blossoms, white flowers, and a touch of sweet herbs.

Siren -
Bewitching, tantalizing and dangerously seductive. A thrilling, exotic blend -- deceptively sweet, but spiked with malice. White ginger, jasmine, and a touch of vanilla and apricot.

The Raven -
Sleek, dark, and ominous. Violet and neroli mingled with iris, white sandalwood and dark musk.

Carnal -
Carnal, from Love Potions: Bold, bright mandarin paired with the sweet, sensual earthiness of fig.

Dana O 'Shee -
Offerings of milk, honey and sweet grains were made to placate these creatures, and it is that the basis of the scent created in their name.

Fae -
A brilliant, ethereal scent: white musk, bergamot, heliotrope, peach and oakmoss.

Osun -
Her ofrenda is thick with honey and herbs of love, passion and desire.

Euphrosyne -
Gardenia, tea rose, vanilla and jasmine.

Catherine -
A sinful blend of orange blossom, rosemary and rose... allegedly the exact perfume she utilized in her work.

Dove's Heart -
A gentle, healing love blend, often used to help mend a broken heart. Brings peace of mind, soothes the sting of loss, and aids in finding closure.

Nocturne -
An olfactory serenede. A somber, contemplative scent -- dreamy and subdued. Deepest violet touched with lilac and tuberose.

R'lyeh - ***
The sunken city of the Great God Cthulhu. A hellishly dark aquatic scent, evocative of fathomless oceanic deeps, the mysteries of madness buried under crushing black waters, and the brooding eternal evil that lies beneath the waves.

Black Hellebore -
The scent is a pale green herbal, darkly rooty, with a faint rose and peony-like overtone.

Empyreal Mist -
Succor -
Relaxation, calm, finding center.

Muse -
A light, invigorating floral and citrus blend. Tuberose, lotus and jasmine with a hint of lime.

Lysander - ***
Lilac musk, tonka, wood violet, and urbane lime rind, with a Venus-kissed tangle of myrtle, blackberry leaf, and benzoin.

Debauchery -
A sinful, licentious scent: self-indulgent and luxurious. Mingled heady civet and red Egyptian musk, thickened with opium.

Tanin'iver -
Lilith’s monstrous dragon steed: dragon’s blood resin, patchouli, pomegranate, myrrh, mimosa, cassia, blood musk and smoke.

Vixen -
Lascivious, flirtatious, and vampy as hell. A true heartbreaker’s perfume. The innocence of orange blossom tainted by the beguiling scents of ginger and patchouli.

Dance of Death - ***
A gloriously elegant representation of Lady Death. Dry, bone-white orris, black musk, serpentine patchouli and our murkiest myrrh.

Anne Bonny-
A blend of Indonesian red patchouli, red sandalwood, and frankincense.

Loralei -
Neroli, sandalwood, ylang ylang.

Thanatopsis - ***
A deep, solemn earthen scent containing pine, juniper and musk.

Dee - ***
His scent is soft English leather, rosewood and tonka with a hint of incense, parchment and soft woods.

Red Devil -
A sinfully playful lust blend. Inspires sexual spontaneity, a little bit of kinkiness, and new and inventive ways to get dirty.

Oblivion - ***
Salvation found in darkness beyond darkness, the blessed sleep of nothingness. Dark musk, wood spice, labdanum, patchouli, dark African woods, and saffron.

Bayou -
A lazy, warm deep green scent with a thick aquatic undertone: Spanish moss, evergreen and cypress with watery blue-green notes and an eddy of hothouse flowers and swamp blooms.

Nemesis -
Cypress, ginger, fig, dried rose, red patchouli, tonka bean and cyclamen.

Water of Notre Dame -
Brings peace to the spirit, a sense of calm and fulfillment, and attracts the aid of beneficial spirits.

Saint Germain - ***
He is a Hermetic Magician's hero for the ages, and his scent is an elegant, timeless, truly refined cologne, bold yet classic: gilded amber, hypnotic lavender, brash carnation and deep mosses.

Alecto -
Olive leaf, raspberry leaf, vetiver and cedarwood.

Inferno -
The Dark Side of Fire: cinnamon, bitter almond, and neroli. Heavily spiced, torrid, and possibly conflagrant.

Lurid -
Shocking, horrific, fierce, savage, sensationalized, luminous and hazy: black currant, Bulgarian lavender and white musk with a dollop of thick resin and a voltaic charge of ozone notes.

Danube -
Rhododendron and bellflower petals swirl through deep, cool, dark aquatic notes.

Rapture -
Sensual ecstasy, the blinding red fire of the apex of sexual pleasure: Moroccan rose, Sumatran rose, mandarin, Egyptian myrrh, night-blooming jasmine, bergamot and neroli thrust into Arabian musk.

Manhattan -
Sexuality, power, confidence. A meeting of modern, sleek elegance and rich, passionate history: sheer amber, black leather, white mint, lemon peel, white tea, grapefruit, kush, teakwood and orchid.

Nero -
The pinnacle of power, poisoned by sin and indulgence - this is our homage to Classical Roman debauch. Rosemary, bay, pine and a touch of lemon.

Pride -
The scent of rabid hauteur: Moroccan rose and narcissus.

Blood Rose -
Sensual, robust, and silken: voluptuous red rose bursting with lascivious red wine and sultry dragon's blood resin.

Dragon's Hide-
Flame-kissed, warm, smooth, and highly protective. Dragon’s blood, leather and a hint of smoke.

Port Royal -
Spiced rum and ship’s wood mixed with the body-warmed trace of a prostitute’s perfume and a hint of salty sea air on the dry-down.

Limited Editions

Frost Moon -

Sugar Skull 2006-
Vibrant with the joy and sweetness of life in death! A blend of five sugars, lightly dusted with candied fruits.

Krampus Yuletide 2006 -
Anything BUT jolly! Draped with chains and bells, wielding both whip and rod, this rag-clad, horned, red-skinned, soot-covered leering creature is both the companion and the antithesis of rosy-cheeked and ebullient Kris Kringle. He is called by many names, and, in a myriad of cultures, he is seen with different robes and faces, but he is nevertheless always a sinister and fearsome instrument of Santa's wrath: he wields a switch on all irredeemably naughty children before tossing them into his large black sack and whisking them away.
Be good, or Krampus will toss you in a river! Sinister red musk, black leather, dusty rags, and wooden switches.


Count Dracula (halfway up label) - ***
The essence of nobility, brutality and true Will made flesh and propelled through the eons by an ever-burning hatred: black patchouli, neroli, tonka, cinnamon, bitter clove, leather, black musk, coffin wood and fiery ginger.


Purple Phoenix -
Porphyrogenitus, indeed; we worked for it! Not simply the color of royalty, purple is also the color of sorrow and mourning, reconciliation and forgiveness. A regal, majestic, and somber blend of myrrh, plum blossom, African violet, cognac, fig, orris, lilac, wisteria, black plum, and Burgundy wine grapes.

The Ecstasy of True Love (halfway up label)-
Patchouli, carnation, peach blossom, frankincense, honeysuckle, and Spanish mandarin.

Stardust 2005 -
When the holidays roll around, not everyone has mistletoe, caroling and cookies on their minds. This scent is a paean to celebrating hard: nights covered in glitter and dusted with cocaine, flutes of Cristal clutched in shaky hands, leather and lace, the Spiders From Mars in the background, and twisting, sweaty limbs entangled in dark corners. Hairspray and cigarette smoke is the incense in this temple to decadence, strobe and mirrors replace the devotional candles, and Bolan sings the hymns. This scent is for everyone that has every drifted off into Quaalude-induced reverie to the beat of a tribal 4-on-the-floor: the sound of Mott the Hoople, Sweet, Slade or the Dolls. This scent reflects the futurism, self-indulgence and excess of the Glitter 70's: champagne, hyacinth, tuberose, ylang ylang and flashing white musk with jonquil, tobacco flower, white sandalwood and a pale poppy.

Quincey Morris-
Rough on the edges, but possessing the true essence of valour and nobility of spirit: tobacco, vanilla, white pear, cedar, rugged musk and saddle leather.

Meskhenet -
Frankincense, hyssop, hibiscus, river reeds, orris root, palm frond, and olibanum.

Le Fee Verte -
A variant on the absinthe theme. Sugared wormwood, hyssop and melissa with calamus, angelica and Dittany of Crete, blended with a Bohemian perfume of vanilla musk, honey absolute and Moroccan spices.

Chintamani dhupa -
Pound well together sandal-wood, Kunku, costus, Krishnaguru, Suvasika-puspha, white vala and the bark of the Deodaru pine; and, after reducing them to fine powder, mix it with honey and thoroughly dry. It is now known as Chintamani-Dhupa, the "thought-mastering incense". If a little of this be used according to the ceremonies prescribed, he who employs it will make all the world submissive to him.

Svadhinaopathika -
Proud, contented, and aglow with joy, she has conquered her lover with her charms, and she knows with all her soul that he is completely and utterly devoted to her. In bliss, she basks in the blessings of the God of Love: golden amber, oude, red sandalwood, massoia bark, honey, and currant.

Khandita -
She, whose lover has been unfaithful. She lashes out in rage, and her heart is filled with fury: fiery saffron, neroli, severe black musk, rose otto, and a harsh splinter of rosemary.


I WANT:

The Black Tower -
A sepulchral, desolate scent. Long-dead soldiers, oath-bound; the perfume of their armor, the chill wind that surges through their tower, white bone and blackened steel: white sandalwood, ambergris, wet ozone, galbanum and leather with ebony, teak, burnt grasses, English ivy and a hint of red wine. (Gender neutral)

Blood Kiss -
Lush, creamy vanilla and the honey of the sweetest kiss smeared with the vital throb of husky clove, swollen red cherries, but darkened with the vampiric sensuality of vetiver, soporific poppy and blood red wine, and a skin-light pulse of feral musk.

Ephemera -
The scent of loss, love and the echo of time without end: sorrowful violet and chamomile with muguet, white geranium, calla lily and tea rose with a hint of autumn leaves.

Jack -
The scent of warm, glowing jack o’lanterns on a warm autumn night: true Halloween pumpkin, spiced with nutmeg, glowing peach and murky clove

Ode on Melancholy -
Lavender and wisteria, heart-wrenching pale rose, desolate white sandalwood and thin, tear-streaked white musk.

Epitaph -
Roses and funeral lilies perceived, faintly, through an indistinct, ghostly mist.

Blood Countess -
Corrupted black plum, smoky opium and crumbling dead roses covered by a deceptive veil of Hungarian lilac, white gardenia and wild berry.

Marie -
A blend of sinuous violet and elegant tea rose: the chosen scent of France's Demigoddess of Debauch: Marie Antoinette.

Bordello -
Bawdy plum with amaretto, burgundy wine and black currant.

Harlot -
Somalian rose, Moroccan rose and Bulgar rose with a sultry dribble of cinnamon.

The Ghost -
A thin, sinuous, creeping chill, the scent of glee-filled undeath: white iris, osmanthus, Calla lily, tomb-crawling ivy and a coffin spray of gladiolus, lisianthus and delphinium.

Snake Oil -
A blend of exotic Indonesian oils sugared with vanilla.

Spellbound -
An irresistibly sexual, utterly rapturous blend of three roses, radiant amber, and sensual red musk.

New Orleans -
Reminiscent of hothouse blooms on a humid night, ripe, but touched with decay. Sweet honeysuckle and jasmine with a hint of lemon and spice.

I am stubbornly trying to be a complete Atheist rather than namby pamby sitting on the fence Agnosticism but all of my life I have had paranormal things happen around me so I am forced to believe in some kind of aether. I don't believe in an afterlife and I don't believe that what I see are souls, I simply believe that they are pockets of energy that have been left behind by life forces, because I have never had an interactive meeting.

I see 'ghosts' quite a lot, even now I am 22.

The earliest memory I have is of a young girl in a mop-cap and petticoat who would appear in my bedroom in the dead of night when I was about 4-7. She would be sitting in the middle of my floor playing with my toys. She did this repeatedly and would disappear as quickly as she appeared. She didn't react to anything I did, be it trying to talk to her or even one time I threw a Barbie doll at her. Sure I had a good imagination but even from a very young age I knew real from imaginary and I didn't even play with an imaginary friend.

After that I didn't see much activity apart from the occasional cat who would walk through my grandmothers living room and disappear into the wall, over and over.
But a few years ago I was sat with my mother in a very old Tea house in Oxford, and I felt a kind of (I don't really know how to describe this) but a bit like a freezing cold static shock but it came on slowly. My mum felt this too and I saw a black man in a full grey suit and hat, sitting between the tables next to my mum, sipping slowly from a very old fashioned coffee cup and reading a newspaper. I looked away and he was gone.
I asked the waitress if they had any ghost stories about the cafe and she described that other people had seen a man in a suit and hat sit in the middle of the room and they had even named him "Old Benbo".

I still see cats quite a bit, including what we think is my old cat Lucy and I usually see her in exactly the same spot in my room walking to the door.

However we also had a stranger come in to our home a few years ago, a small black cat with a white chest. My dad (who is a strong Atheist) noted that he thought our cat Tompkin (who looks completely different) had been locked in the bathroom with him so he got out of the bath to let the 'cat' out but it had gone by the time he had got to the door.
I saw the cat later on during that day sitting by the bathroom door, as clear as day and I tried to keep myself from blinking so I could see it better but of course I had to blink and then it was gone. The mystery deepens however, three weeks later we got a phone call to say that a friend of the family had been found dead in his bathroom and had been there for 3 weeks exactly, what made me think that the cat could have something to do with him is that he used to constantly wear a black tuxedo with a white shirt.


Either that or I am just a complete mental. :D

Friday:
I haven't slept.
5:40am, I say goodbye to the cats, double check I have everything and then venture Kings X bound for my 7am train. By the time I am at the bus stop I realise that my shoulder is already killing me from my bag, this won't be the most comfortable travel it seems.
Train journey consists of:
Tiny narcoleptic eastern European woman sitting next to me, shoe leather cheese pasty, not being able to get comfy in my seat at all to get to sleep, seals on the Tyne, pretty Scottish borders coast and then finally Edinburgh!
I get out of the station and I am greeted by the smell of deep fried foodstuffs... I feel very very queasy. I am seriously regretting not sleeping now.

Meet Hayleigh and her teeny 4 month old boy Nate, we sit in the sun for a wee bit and finally meet up with Maddie who I am going to be staying with. She's very excited, with good reason. Our friend Freya is bringing a tiny kitten all the way from London for her and they're only an hour or so away. We have a stroll around the city centre and then go to pick Freya, kitten and MJ up.
Kitten is TINY! We take her back to Maddies and introduce her to the flat and she hides under the aquarium for a bit, and does not like baby Nate one bit, Laura joins us from Glasgow and then we go off to pick Jenni up from the bus station. Decide on no shows tonight because we'd rather go and eat something and veg out. Maddie and Ash make us mexican which is fucking lush.
We then christen the new kitten... Florence Beyoncé Valentine. Which is a fucking ace name for a kitten.
Set up camp in their living room with Jenni and Laura and I watch the meteors for a bit out of the skylight above my sleeping bag before drifting off to dream about kitten comets.

Saturday:
Awoken by the welcome aroma of fresh coffee which is then joined by an entire veggie breakfast platter of stuff (and some bacon and sausages for the carnivores) ALL days should start like this. ALL.
We go into town to meet Hayleigh and Nate and go buy our tickets for Munnerys AGM. Cake, milkshakes and mint coffee is imbibed. Nate is dropped off with his grandma and Hayleigh is a free woman for the night!
Munnery was brilliant and we ventured outside the stand after the show to finish reading out the "motions" that we had written and put in a bucket. I still love him. Lots.

Go to the Jekyll and Hyde and drink lots of cream based cocktails then go into the fest properly to go meet Tiernan who is victim of one of those 1 degree of separation things that always seems to happen in the strangest way possible, usually only found out by messages on the internet that go "HOW DO YOU KNOW *insert name* ?!"
Have a lovely drink with him and debate who we should see on Sunday. He has two more shows to do before the night is done and we say our goodbyes.
We find some boosh forumers in the square off the mile which was nice, we then go to leave and I very nearly bump physically into someone I didn't want to see in Ed and we leg it to the next pub. More drinks are inhaled. Now know what "Blind drunk" means.
We decide that trudging up to Arthurs' seat is a dumb idea.
Get back to Maddies and sleep like the dead, apart from being woken up at 5am by my phone.

Sunday: It's Jenni's last day and we decide to go see Miles Jupp before she has to dive off to catch her bus back. He's sold out so we do a lucky dip with the listings at 8pm and go see Sam Simmons. It's a bit too Booshy for me and a lot of his jokes fall flat, but he's enjoyable nonetheless.
Leg it to the bus station and say goodbye to Jen... I have to stop myself from doing a bit of a cry.
Leg it to see Jonathan Mayor's show at the GRV which like a lot of Fringe venues, is hidden away in the middle of an alleyway. Lovely show but absolutely and utterly baking hot in the room and I feel like my brain is cooking in my skull. I also still love Mayor. Lots and lots.
Go back to the flat whilst stopping off to get a deep fried mars bar, which I liked. Which is surprising for me as I absolutely hate mars bars in the first place.
We play with Florence Bee, watch some youtube stuff on the Wii and then I sleep like the dead only to be woken up by the phone at 5am... again.

Monday:
Wake up with a massive cob-on and want to cry. Not a people person today, which is no fun.
Have a quick lunch and then leg it (Again) to the Pleasance courtyard to see Tim FitzHighams Flanders and Swann. Brilliant show.
Then have to go back to the flat to get my bag and get to the station. I don't want to go.
Say my goodbyes, albeit abruptly as I really just want it over and done with otherwise I will just burst into tears.
Get on the train and listen to Emilie Autumn songs which whilst watching the Scottish coast fly by was absolute bliss.
Some weird starey guy gets on at York and makes me feel very very uncomfortable. But Emilie helps me with that too Hoorah.
Get into London and get the last tube, happy days.
Get home, greet the cats who have obviously missed me and then sleep dreamless sleep.
I need to do Edinburgh for at least a week next time. Seriously.

This Blog was brought to you by:
The letter B, Maddie and Ash, Jenni, Laura, Hayleigh, Nate, MJ, Freya, Schwen, Nat, Tiernan Douieb, Paul Byrne, Mars bars, Pricillas bar (3am close, 5am open), Jonathan Mayor and the auxiliary Heterosexuals, Simon Munnery, Sam Simmons, Flanders and Swann, Vodka, Irn Bru, Absinthe which ended up being green vodka, Vege Haggis, Tatties, Baby see you Jimmy hats, Unseasonally sunny weather, seasonally rainy weather, Jekyll and Hyde pub, that chavvy sexist bar next to the Brass Monkey that's open til 4am but does good cocktails, the letters P and Q and the number 12.

Do you ever wonder if the person standing next to you is a virgin or not?
Occasionally.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
No.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Nay.

How's your life lately?
Pretty damn good thank you.

Do you think that you're a good person?
I have my moments.

Do you give out second chances too easily?
Definitely not.

Ever wanted to never give up on someone?
*shrug*

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Definitely.

What were the best days of the week so far?
Hah, hmm today or yesterday are my choices... I will say yesterday only for Rosie wonderings and shoppings.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
I'm very rarely mad/upset with people.

What did you go to bed thinking last night?
Edinburgh.

Last person you told a secret to?
Rosie?

How many people have you kissed who's name started with a J?
I can't think of any.

Has anyone told you they loved you in the last week?
Yep.

Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?
Yes.

What colour are your eyes?
Grey/Green/Blue.

Do you have a person of the opposite sex you can always talk to?
Yep.

Do you know anyone named Matt?
Many.

Who was the last person to annoy you?
The telemarketer on the phone who called my dad Mr Steve.

Did the last person you kissed have tattoos?
Nope.

Last person you shared food with?
Mama, chinese last night.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
Happy.

Are you starting to realize anything?
Surely that's a weekly event?

Do you want someone back in your life?
Sometimes.

When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
Every day.

Have you ever seen a dead person?
Yes.

What are your plans for tomorrow?
Laundry, Sign on, Take Tia to the vets.

What did you do today?
Ate cake, drank coffee and sat in front of the computer procrastinating.

Do you drink a lot of water?
I try to.

Who is your first top friend?.
I don't have an order of preference.

Will anyone repost this?
I donnae care.

How do you feel about girls/guys smoking?
Guys look good smoking but they smell.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Not really.

What kind of mood are you in today?
PAIN.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
I went to bed really damn early.

Do you miss anyone?
Yep.

Are you mad at anyone right now?
Nope.

Who means the most to you in your life right now?
*shrug*

Did you see the movie Twilight?
Most certainly not.

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you?
Yep.

Are you hiding something from someone close to you?
Nope.

Do you ever think about something and start crying?
Yep.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Maybe.

What are you currently doing besides this?
Listening to No Doubt and stroking Tia who is fast asleep on my lap.

Last person who told you they loved you, did they mean it?
Yep.

Does anybody hate you?
Hah very likely.

Did anyone yell at you today?
Nope.

Do you hate yourself?
Certainly not! I love myself... too much.

Do you think life has been good so far?
It's had its moments.

What time did you wake up this morning?
Morning? What is that?

Did you cry at all today?
Nope.

Are you texting anyone?
Not at the moment.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
There are a few :)

What pisses you off more than anything?
My dad.

Ever been called a bitch?
Not much.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I hope not.

Have you ever been so mad that you broke something?
Yep. My hand, by punching a loaf of bread which had a can behind it.

Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls?
Yes.

Do you ever have days when you just want to stay in bed all day long?
Most days.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
Doubtful.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot?
Yep.

Is there anyone you'd like to fix things with?
Yep.

Are you easily angered?
Not at all.

Do you laugh a lot?
Every day.

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see/hear it?
Definitely.

In the last month have you wanted to punch someone in the face
Yes.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?
Not really, unless it was addiction rather than recreation.

Is someone on your mind right now?
Nope.

When was the last time you talked to your number 4?
Ptifh.

Are you wearing socks?
Nay.

Has someone disappointed you recently.
Nope.

If you could pack up and move, would you?
YES.

Do you want to change schools?
Hah.

Do you always get along with your siblings?
THEY DONT EXIST.

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Alone.

What happened at 10:00 AM?
I was dreaming.

What would you do if someone ran at you with a knife?
Duck.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Motivation.. or lack of.

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
Nope.

What was the first thing you said this morning?
Hello? Urm no.

Do you remember what the last picture you took was of?
A toothpaste that said "Maximum gross".

Who's your last missed call from?
Andy.

Pick the top 12 comedians whom you would shag no matter what. Add comments and pics to make it more fun!

This is going to be so embarrassing but... here we go....

Adrian Edmondson: (Slightly weird choice I know, but I fancied him when I was little)
Andrew Maxwell: The only man shorter than me I wouldn't kick out of the bed.

Brendon Burns: Makes me go a bit predatory haha.

Chris Addison: I really do just want his babies... Imagine the hair.

Chris Morris: This needs no explanation.

Dylan Moran: *wibble*

Ed Byrne: NOM.

Ed Petrie: Makes CBBC just that bit more enjoyable ;-)

Eddie Izzard: FUCK YES.

Pete Firman: Magicians make me drool a bit.

Rik Mayall: DROP DEAD FRED!!!!

Russell Howard: Spackeyed but I so would.


Hangs head in shame.

Monday was Old rope, was good. Lee Mack and Richard Herring did stuff. Was funny. No Sleep though.

Tuesday I slept through.

Wednesday was doctor stuff, was not happy but ok. Then it was Russell Howards'  "Good News" pilot filming at Riverside studios. Was F-awesome. It's basically a mix between a current affairs programme (like Mock the Week) and a clip show (like Rudetube) and it seemed to work very very well. It also ended up with Dan Atkinson dressed in spandex reading porn and a calendar girl WI woman who was commented on her pearl necklace. Much awesomes. Again no sleep, pattern emerging?

Thursday I slept through.

Friday was shopping and lots of things bought in Primark/Primarche/Primarni. And a £100 weekender suitcase O_o. (Also didn't sleep)

Today I slept (hoorah!) and did packing and stuff for tomorrows schlep to Oxford to see my grandparents for the bank holiday... Internet I will miss you so... But... I'll live... I think.

A friend of mine got me into these scents a few years back and bought me a 5ml bottle of Nyx. Which I adored, and still do!.
I didn't look into them until about a year ago when I saw a link to their website on a forum.
I was amazed at the sheer volume of scents they did! And the descriptions are just brilliance.

As ordering samples from America is quite daunting I decided to watch eBay for a while and managed to get 68 imps (samples) for about £30.
There are so many I adore, but there are a few that are more suited to blokes, which I have just sorted out from the bulk of my imps.

I don't know that many guys who are into wearing anything other than lynx (which is rank) but out of my collection I have the following scents which are a bit too manly for me: 

DEE:  "John Dee: master of science, alchemy and magic, Hermetic philosopher in the schools of Rosicrucian Christian Mysticism and Platonic-Pythagorean doctrine, and Queen Elizabeth’s astrologer, advisor, cryptologist and spy. With Edward Kelly, he created a field of study and work in Angelic Evocation, and isolated the Angelic language: Enochian. His scent is soft English leather, rosewood and tonka with a hint of incense, parchment and soft woods."

THANAPSOSIS: 
"A meditation upon death. Inspired by William Cullen Bryant's poem. A deep, solemn earthen scent containing pine, juniper and musk. "

THE GREAT SWORD OF WAR:
And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.
Mandarin, tonka, saffron, black tea, cocoa, tobacco leaf, sanguine red musk and five classical herbs of conflict.

FAUSTUS: 
An infusion of incalculable power and irresistible temptation. Truly an exercise in megalomania and self-gratification: frankincense and cinnamon, darkened by violet.

DRAGONS MUSK: 
Dominant, passionate, devastating. Dragon’s blood and five deep musks.

SAINT GERMAIN: 
"A man who knows everything and who never dies."

Said to have lived for centuries, the Comte de Saint-Germain is truly a man of legend and mystery. He was an aristocrat, master alchemist, adventurer, magician, artist, and seer with a lust for exquisite jewels, and was reputed to have attained knowledge of the Elixer of Life. His knowledge was so vast and all-encompassing that his claim to have lived hundreds of years - he allegedly knew Jesus and was present at the Council of Nicea - was widely accepted as true. He is a Hermetic Magician's hero for the ages, and his scent is an elegant, timeless, truly refined cologne, bold yet classic: gilded amber, hypnotic lavender, brash carnation and deep mosses.

LYSANDER: 
The course of true love never did run smooth.

Lilac musk, tonka, wood violet, and urbane lime rind, with a Venus-kissed tangle of myrtle, blackberry leaf, and benzoin.

DANCE OF DEATH: 
Dry, bone-white orris, black musk, serpentine patchouli and our murkiest myrrh.

OBLIVION: (Smells like Gaultier La Male mmmm)
Salvation found in darkness beyond darkness, the blessed sleep of nothingness. Dark musk, wood spice, labdanum, patchouli, dark African woods, and saffron.

R'LYEH: 
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. The sunken city of the Great God Cthulhu. A hellishly dark aquatic scent, evocative of fathomless oceanic deeps, the mysteries of madness buried under crushing black waters, and the brooding eternal evil that lies beneath the waves.



Anyone want?

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I frequent a very good comedy club in Oxford Circus on Mondays called The Old Rope. It's a new material night where usually quite established acts get a chance to try out their new material in front of an audience. It's also great for new-up-and-coming acts.
I've been going on and off for about two and a half years but more in the past year. During this time I have seen some really amazingly funny people and equally unfunny ones too.
The format is this, there is a noose on stage where you can rescue yourself from your new material if it doesn't go well, so you can use your old established material to bring the audience back on side. There are usually about six or seven acts a night and then a special headliner who does an hour. It works pretty well and it's a good gimmick that a lot of other clubs are missing. It's MC'd by Tiffany Stevenson and occasionally Phil Nichol or most recently Matt Kirshen.

Last weeks headliner was Stephen Merchant who was absolutely awesome. I've seen him before at Rope but he really nailed it this time round. Last night was the turn of Rich Hall, who again I have seen in the guest spot before and he is totally ace. You must see EVERY comedian I mention in this blog (unless I say they're shit - but even then, you should earn your own opinions)

Notable awesome comedians: 
Paul Foot, Carey Marx, Milton Jones, Lee Mack, Scott Capurro, Rosin Conaty, Ava Vidal, Zoe Lyons, Richard Herring, Steve Hughes, Tiernan Douieb, Al Barrie, Jason Rouse, Stephen K Amos, Dave Gorman (But I have a tendency to fall asleep during his sets), Simon Munnery, Adam Bloom, Pete Firman, Robin Ince, Isy Suttie, Al Pitcher, Nick Doody, Dan Atkinson, Reg D Hunter, Henning Wehn and by no means least (I have probably forgotten loads) Mike Wilmot.

Phew.

Yes.
Go see these people.
They are good.
And stuff.

That is all.
(Yes I am drunkerd)
But I do.
Like really.
Yes.

I decided to delete my comedian blog simply because I don't think I put enough thought in to it.
From now I think I will do a "comedian you have to see" feature at the end of my blogs.

Anyway. Since last time I posted I have been mainly going to comedy gigs, eating copious amounts of crumpets and finally getting off Income Support on the sick! Hoorah! Now I am just a lowly doley, but it feels goooood.

I am also planning on a major hair revamp after 15 years of classic length hair (ie' being able to sit on it) So, I am thinking on going for a very short bob, kinda flapper style-ee which I have been told, suits me really quite well.
It's a bit daunting as my hair is so low maintenance and I only have to wash it once a week and I just leave it naturally to dry.
Still. I cannot bloody wait. :-).

TODAYS' COMEDIAN YOU HAVE TO SEE LIVE: 
Milton Jones.

Yes kids, that's a Hello Kitty WEDDING DRESS. All yours for errm $4000? 

And a matching bunny rabbit coat? 

Oh dear oh dear.

Howabout some very creepy Blithe Doll shoes with that? 



Urgh.

It's Friday night,
My dad is drunk,
My dad decided to have toast for dinner,
He was too drunk to realise the gas wasn't lit,
Room full of gas AND HE SHOUTS AT ME FOR BEING ABOVE MYSELF IN HIS HOUSE for telling him the gas wasn't lit and then opening a window.  
What?!

Beige and Brown buckle shoes?!?!
WHY GOD WHY?!

Here's a bit of background for you.

I used to suffer from seriously debilitating migraines and would pretty much have a 3 day week where I was actually not in agonising pain.
The peak of this was during my GSCE's and I had a major episode thing where I was completely paralysed for 20 minutes and couldn't even call for help from my parents next door. Years later I was finally diagnosed with Hemiplegic migraine and put on this wonder-drug, Flunarizine.
After a few months or so on these pills, the migraines became fewer and fewer, until I was actually able to have a life! 

You'd think that would be absolutely awesome yes? But I had been ill for so long (from the age of 11) and had lost a lot of social skills but in a way I was still quite mature and rational. I got into a comedy group called the Mighty Boosh (which you probably all know of now) and joined their forum on the internet very soon after watching them. I met lots of interesting and really quite amazing people who I aspired to be like, firstly I decided that 18 was far too young and I should add another two years to my age, so from then I was 20 instead. Also I had only had one or two boyfriends and was a keen gig -goer so I told people that I had slept with a few musicians etc and had had a shortlived relationship with Jeordie White (who?, you ask). So fast forward three years. I am now very good friends with a select few people I had met through the forum and I actually get stressed out by having to keep the same lies for everyone I know just incase they know each other! It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? I even hide my passport from my friends just incase they see 1987 instead of 1985!

So March/April last year I was feeling quite down and I even had a sucidal moment where I was standing on a tube platform and without even hesitation I tried to step forward onto the tracks. A bit shaken by this as I have never been depressive nor suicidal and have even told other people that suicide was stupid and selfish etc'.
I meet a wonderful guy and of course I have to tell him my pre-written age and experience, because he knows all of my friends! 
Unfortunately he has a girlfriend and I find myself with absolutely no self control and agree when he propositions me.
The stress of keeping such a thing secret was intensely bad. And I find myself doubting my mind and the guy panders to it.

I eventually tell him my real age but hold onto the ex boyfriend thing as a safety blanket because I wasn't just ready enough to tell my other friends that it wasn't true. He brands me a liar and tells everyone I am a complete mental and I was in such a state of mind that I believed him! 

So I go to the doctor and get her to diagnose me as a depressive. She tells me to get off my migraine medications as they could possibly be the cause and puts me on a light regime of fluoxetine, just to flush everything out and to stablise me a bit.
Five months later, I go to my migraine doctor and he asks why I am not on the drugs he prescribed. "Oh well, I started getting depressed and my GP wouldn't let me mix them with anti-depressants" . His reply.. "Oh, well about 2/3 of patients on Flunarizine experience some kind of depression but It's definitely not serious! And you were on these drugs for three years so symptoms should have manifested early on" So. Me. A 21 year old with no history of depression, nor family history of any mental illness, I put on more than two stone whilst on these drugs and I was told that medicative depression wasn't serious!!! It sure felt it to me at the time!!! 

So, now back to my actual state of mind (but still hormonal - ah it's good to be a girl isn't it?) I am getting on with my life and leaving all the past year behind me... hopefully with the state of mind that will NOT mess with taken men ever again!!!!!

So...

x